My Story-
March 7th 2012 was the day I found out I was pregnant. It was the most exciting, happiest day of my life. Something Chase and I had worked for and wanted to bad. The next few weeks were amazing. Even though I was really sick with morning sickness throughout the whole day, I LOVED being pregnant. I loved knowing that no matter where I was I was never alone. I always had somebody with me, even though the baby was not even the size of a nut. I went in for my first ultrasound when I was 9 weeks along. Seeing my baby on the screen was the best feeling in the world, then I heard the heart beat. I was so amazed and could not even believe what I was hearing. Chase was in amazed at how small the baby was, but had life. From that day on Chase called the baby little nuthead (because the baby looked like a peanut). Even though I was not very far along, I was already looking for nursery stuff. Already starting to buy a collection of things. We were ready for this baby which was due at the end of November.
Three weeks later, May 8th, I was with my mom and a relief society function. At the end of the night, I noticed I was not feeling very well as I was experiencing some cramping. Later that night I started to spot. I was soo worried. My mom took me to the ER where Chase met me there. Two hours went by before they could see me. I was terrified. All I kept thinking was how much I loved little nuthead. I never thought I could love someone so much without even getting to meet them. I prayed and prayed that things would be ok. Once they brought me back they took me into get an ultrasound. The room was dark, I was alone, and the tech did her thing. They wheeled me back into my room where Chase, my mom and my dad were at. A few min later the doctor came in. The worst words a soon to be mother could ever hear uttered from her mouth. "No heart beat could be detected". I was crushed. Once my the doctor had left I had a moment where I just pondered, and prayed. Still praying that everything will be ok. Before I left the hospital, Chase and my dad gave me a blessing. The most amazing blessing I had ever been given. In the blessing Chase told me that I would meet and hold my baby in my arms and soon enough I would be able to give birth to another baby. He also told me that nuthead is in the arms of God, being watched over and loved and cared for.
The next day I went in for my D/C. The procedure where they remove the baby and all the tissue. This was really hard for me knowing this was the end. However, even though I was devastated and heartbroken, I know I would begin to heal once this has passed. Before I went into surgery, I received a phone call from one of my best friends. She was 9 months pregnant waiting to go into labor any day. Just a few hours when I got off the phone with her, she went into labor where her beautiful baby boy was born. This news brought me mixed emotions. I was so happy for her but I was extremely emotional because I had just lost my baby a day earlier. I was not sure how I felt. My friends wanted to go to the hospital to see her and the baby. I was not sure if I could do this. I decided to go. As I was in the elevator my heart started pounding harder and harder. I did not want to go into her room. The second I opened the door and saw her I broke down. All my emotions came flowing out. I ran to her and gave her a hug. She let me hold her baby. This was the best thing I could have done that day. While I was just holding this brand new baby straight from heaven I got an overwhelming feeling that I would be ok. That everything would be ok.That I would be a mother soon. I am so grateful for her and that she allowed me to take a few moments with her baby. She will never know that that did for me.
As the days passed and weeks past and I went back to work I needed to start getting into the groove of life again. This is something that I struggle with everyday. The subject of miscarriage, infant loss, pregnancy complications is a very taboo subject in society I had learned found out. As people started to learn of my loss I heard "oh its a very common thing, you will be fine", "this happens to many women, you will have a baby one day"and the worst thing I heard, "the sooner you get over it the sooner things will get back to normal." WHAT! People did not know how I felt with this loss, I understand, but really... All I could do is say "Yes thank you" and walk away. I lost a part of me that day. I don't think I will ever get that back. Im ok with that. Everyday I put on a front that I am ok with what happened. I may have come to terms that I loss my baby, but everyday I think about nuthead. My everyday personal prayers lets nuthead know that how much I miss and love nuthead.
This experience has been has taught me so much. I decided that for me to heal I needed to look at the blessings that this has brought. And I have seen many blessings come forth. I have learned so much about my self. I have learned so much about Chase. I always knew he was an amazing man and would make and amazing father, but this experience showed me more than that. I am so grateful for him and his support through this. I love him so much and am so glad I was able to go through this with him standing next to me everyday. This experience brought us so much closer together. We have been able to be so open with each other about how we feel and what he need from each other. I am so grateful for this. This has also brought me so much closer to the gospel. I needed help and comfort. I still do. I pray a lot. Many times a day. I have really hard days sometimes and I feel Gods comfort when I cry. I studied and searched for many things on the loss of an unborn child. And this gave me a whole new look on my experience. I cant tell you what I found because there is so much. But I am so glad that the gospel recognizes these babies.
About a month ago I was have a really hard day and one of my friends posted Her story on her blog. I was so grateful for this, it was just what I needed. Knowing that what I felt, I was not alone. She shared a scripture on her blog and this brought me so much comfort.
"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted: yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of Saboeth, and are recorded with this seal and testament-the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. Therefore, He giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled;and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord." D&C 98 1-3.
I am so grateful for this gospel and am grateful for this chance to see my testimony grow. I am so glad I have a husband who holds the priesthood who was able to give me many blessings to help me through this. I am so glad I was able to get the chance to be pregnant. I would never take back that experience and I am so glad that I have a baby in heaven who I will get to meet and hold one day. I also know that I will be able to be a mother here on earth soon. I will be patient as the Lord blesses me.
They existed. They mattered. They are loved. They are remembered. Let's speak about them ♥
I will always allow someone who wants to speak about their experience and share what they want with me. Even though it may be a common thing, the loss is very real and the pain exists.
