Things Ive learned being a mom part 1

I decided to write this blog post because as I was watching TV, I could here little miss just chatting away in her crib. Everyday she grows bigger and she learns so much. It's amazing to watch her figure out this world. As a mother, I am expected to teach her, I really feel just these past 10 months, I have learned more about my self and life than I have in any other experience.

Patience. Even thought these are in no particular order, I think patience deserves the  high spot. I have always been a patient person. I am very good at going with the flow and can adapt to changes fairly well. But it wasn't until every last button of mine has been pushed that I have learned how much I can deal with. One of my harder moments as a mom is getting used to little sleep. She sleeps so good now, but she lack is the nap area, and when she is sick, nights and days and very mixed up in her world. When I am tired that is when I am most irritable. Buts its amazing how I have learned to adapt and stop feeling sorry for myself that my baby made a huge mess in the kitchen right after I cleaned it, and to just pick her up and love her, because a mess being made means she is learning.

Seeing the world through innocent eyes.  I always felt like I was pretty good at getting down on a child's level. Sometimes it's much easier to just pull out a bunch of toys for her and sit on the couch while she plays. But what is important is me getting on the floor and teaching her new things. Every place she goes, every new thing she sees, new tastes, new smells, everything becomes a millions times more exciting when I can see life through a child's eyes.

 Learning to be a kid again. I can't wait for the day where she can run and play on her own, while I can just sit back, relax and watch her enjoy herself. As much as I do that now, by pulling out her toys,  and taking a few seconds to myself, I hope the day never comes where I do not want to play with her. Even though she can't do much on her own, I will help her be able to experience it all. A few days ago we went to a splash pad. My baby can crawl so a place like that is not the best place for her. But it is, because by the time we left, we were both soaking wet. I was in the middle of it all with her, enjoying every second. Watching her smile every time we ran though the water fall, and her laugh every time she got sprayed in the face. We love going to the park, and yet again I am having to get up on all the structures so she can have fun.  Going down slides and swinging with her on my lap. Reading kids books, and watching despicable me  with a bowl full of cheese its. Building forts and crawling through all the tunnels with her as she tries to get away. Only 10 months old we have done all of this. Some days its hard to be creative but the more we play, the more she learns and the more I learn.

Cleaning can wait. My routine is pretty simple. I clean up as the day goes one, put a load or two of laundry in, wipe down the kitchen once or twice a day. etc. But when one of two things happen, all of that gets pushed aside. Some days its because I am at my limit and the second she goes down for bed, I don't want to do anything else besides sit down and watch tv, OR its because we are having so much fun during the day that I just don't want to make the time to clean the bathroom, or vacuum. With how fast these months have gone by, I don't want to miss out on anything because I am too worried about what my house looks like. Most of the time anyone could drop by at anytime and I would be completely fine on how things look, but on occasion it is a disaster. It has taken me some time to be ok with this. But at the end of the day when I'm rocking her to sleep nothing is more important to me than being there for my sweet girl.

Things are just things. I get so excited with I buy her a new toy. While she gets excited too, if I give her a wooden spoon, she acts like we are at Disneyland. Cheap things are great. But what I'm talking about is the fact that my lovely baby broke my iPhone screen. shattered. She found my stash of nail polish and smashed it on the floor. Brand new. I have found little teeth marks on my couch, and on her crib. My car key jams sometimes because of how much spit is in there. I had to replace my phone charger because she bit through the cord. (another example of where my patience comes in) As much as all of these things and more make me so mad, I have to remember that things are just things. I can live fine without all of those. But what is more important is her. I cant really discipline her yet, but I hope that I never get soo fixated on my "things" that I would get soooo mad at her.  She's a child, and will be one for a long time. Teaching her what to do and what not to do will come as she gets older, but when I look her nothing in the world is more important.

Police Wife Life

To many of you, when you think of police officers, you might think of the flashing blue lights behind you as you are speeding on the freeway, or making a comment about the officer as he "abuses" his power and speeds passed you through the intersection. To some of you, you might think of them ruining your fun as you get pulled over and ticketed for drunk driving, doing a "nonharmful" substance. You might have been booked into jail and you think that the cop was just out to ruin your life, and now you hate them.

To many of you, you see a person directing traffic after what appears to be a fatal accident. Not thinking twice about what he may have seen.(What if there were kids in the car, a mangled body etc) You might see a story on the news about how a police officer stopped to play basketball with some kids and you will think one of two things "man, those cops are NOT doing their job, I do not pay them to play around" or you will think " what awesome guys to take a few minutes to show kids that cops are not the bad guys." You will see an article about a cop who had to shoot an animal and then all of a sudden he needs to be fired, death threats are pouring into his life and family. You don't see the articles on the police officers that get attacked by dogs, and you think nothing of this.

You might read about a child's death because of the lack of responsibility of this parents, you don't even think about the young police officer (who has a new born at home) that has to hold it together and be courteous and professional. He can't show emotion as he walks on scene and discovers the child's lifeless body. You might encounter a break in at your house, or car, and file a report. You might blame the cop for something that went wrong or you might blame them for not finding your stuff. Or you will be grateful that no one got hurt, and there is a chance that your items could be found.

You come home late at night, see that your front door is open. You call the police and an officer enters your house unknowingly of what dangers lurk inside. They clear it for you and station his car outside your house while he finishes up his reports so you can feel at ease in your home.

You hear news stories of officer shootings and you see all the comments on how they pulled the trigger to fast, or they should not allowed to use deadly force, etc. You also read stories about officer ambushes and officer deaths during search warrants, or arrests. You don't think twice about the family they have back at home. During the times they draw their weapon I know for a fact that they are thinking about their family at home and they are not going to let some law breaking scum bag (my words, not an officers words) take them away from their family.

When I see an officer I see a brother, a sister, an aunt, an uncle, a son, a daughter, a husband, a wife, a father, a mother. I see a person who sees dead bodies weekly weather it be from a murder, natural causes, suicide or accident. I see a person who deals with people who are high on drugs that do not want to go to jail and will do ANYTHING to not go to jail.

I see a person who literally walks out the door everyday to go to a job that is criticized, ruthless, dangerous, who has a chance of never walking into their home again.

I see a person who loves their job and has a passion for keeping the community safe. People mistake this for abuse of power and in return don't believe cops are out their to do good.

I see a person who gives up first birthdays, anniversaries, sharing a bed with their spouse, holidays and vacations, because their shift just happens to fall on those days.

I see a person who gets paid very little and has to pay out of pockets for many of things that is required by the department.

I see a person who is saddened by the mistakes and unprofessional actions by other officers. Those officers who do "abuse" power are NOT the majority.

I see a person who has a threat against them by the community they protect.

I see person who is human, who makes mistakes, who says things that might not be the best, who's adrenalin high might take over as they pull the dead beat husband off his beaten wife and might have gripped to tightly. The guy might sue over this, the local news catches wind of this and twists and turns the story and now the police officer is a hated man.

I see a person who makes plans with his wife for a date that is long over due. 20 min till shift change, he gets called to a rape. Calls his wife and tells her he will probably be another 3-4 hours.

I see a person who's family is going through the same struggles and worries that I go through.

When I see MY police officer. I see him put on his pants, his shirt, his socks, his boots, his vest. I see him check his radio, make sure his gun has ammo in it, check his flash light, load up his utility belt, and place his badge on his vest. Lastly I see him kiss our baby goodbye, pet the dogs, give me a kiss goodbye and walk out the door. I see a man in uniform and I see a police officer. But I see my husband. And I pray that I will see him again.

Six Months

Tomorrow will mark Zaydi's half birthday! 6 months old. I cant believe it. My life has changed so much these past 6 months. She has been the biggest blessing to our lives. A little miracle.

Some facts about Zaydi:

She now sits up by herself.

She can eat anything we eat (in a form that can easily be swallowed) Some of her favorite foods are:

• Bananas
• Peaches
• Carrots (But I don't like her eating them because they stain everything!)
• Squash
• Ice cream...of course

Its been so fun letting her try new things. She likes most everything she tries which I am so happy about. (takes after her mama)

She still struggles at night. We get really good nights, then really bad nights. Don't know how to help this. We are now trying to wean her from her swaddle. Its been rough.

She loves her dad but is definitely a mama's girl. I need to leave her with other people more often so she can get used to others. She sometimes has stranger danger.

She rolls everywhere. She can scoot backwards. No sign of crawling forward yet. 

Anything around her, automatically becomes hers. Even the dogs tails....

She LOVES her dogs. Which is so good because they are constantly around her, licking her and trying to play with her. She loves it when they bark... she finds that hilarious for some reason.

She doesn't like when she can't see what is going on. She always wants to be able to look around and see things. She is a very curious baby. I love that but I can see how tiring this will make me when she is fully mobile.

She shakes her head really fast when she is excited. When she does this, she stops to look at us, if we laugh or do it back to her, she will usually do it back to us. She thinks she is funny.

Now onto what has changed the most in my life...

My relationship with  God. Everyday I wake up seeing her face, I thank God that she is here. It was a journey getting her here but I would do it all again for her. I pray everyday that she will be safe. My prayers have become more meaningful which in return has strengthened me.

I have learned that I am able to do things that I didn't know I could do.  I have learned to run on fumes with the lack of sleep. I have learned that I am able to get a lot of things done in a day. I have learned that my selfish wants cant exist anymore. I have learned that taking care of myself is key to taking care of my family. I have learned that I am stronger then I thought. I spend a lot of time alone with her and its hard on me at times, but I manage and get through each day. I have learned that I am most grateful for the help of my family, especially Chase. I have learned that the power of fasting and prayer are more real then I ever imagined.

She is my world. My life.

legs and booty

Found these two leg and booty work outs. Loved them. I did each video twice to start. Thought I would share. enjoy :)

Body after Baby.

Hello there.

I write this post today with encouragement to myself.

Lets start from the beginning. In high school, (yes I know that was 7 years ago... wow that went fast) I weighed between 105lbs to 110lbs. I never even thought once about my weight or how it may affect me. Never once did I think I would weigh much more than that. After graduating, life happened and 2 and half years later I got married. Weighing in at about 115lbs on my wedding day. I felt great, again not concerned about weight. In fact, I was worried that I didn't weigh enough. Did you know that you have to weigh at least 115lbs to donate plasma. I was never able to because I didn't weigh enough.

Ok now to the part that I struggle with. In 2012, after I miscarried. I was a mess. I didn't know how to heal. So I fed my feelings with food. I love food. I'm not going to lie. I eat when I am happy, excited, sad, mad, etc. What I eat depends on my feelings. So my struggles with my miscarriage were dealt with lots of days where I didn't want to cook, so we ate out. Or cravings of this and that, that I ate. With very little active work outs. Once I started to feel better, I starting running again. But not enough. That year I gained 10 to 12lbs. That was a lot for me. I went up a pants size from a 4 to a 6. Everything was just a little bigger. But I still was not unhappy about my weight. I thought I still looked ok.

Then 2013 came. I got pregnant, again. Terrified of loosing this baby I did not do any hard labor activity. I did not want to risk anything. I ate ok, but not great. I had cravings, lots of them and I gave into them... all the time. At the beginning of my pregnancy I weighed 128lbs. Every time I had a Drs appointment I had to get on the scale, watching that number rise and rise with each visit. The doctor was never concerned about my weight. But it was unsettling to me. I never once worried about weight before. So it was weird to me to all of a sudden struggle with that, knowing that the reason I was gaining weight was everything I ever wanted. I saw my body change right before my eyes. My thighs got bigger, my butt got bigger, my belly of course got bigger, my boobs got bigger and my face got bigger. I started seeing stretch marks all over. My weight at the end of the pregnancy, right before I delivered, 171lbs. I gained 43 lbs. Yes I know, a lot of that was from the baby, and for my weight before on average, people gain between 30 and 35 lbs. So I was not far off from the average range. But I still didn't like it.

Right when I got home, I started eating a lot healthier. I started eating really clean. Taking it slow of course. I had a lot going. I started doing little exercises here and there when I could. When I got cleared from my doctor to start exercising again, I did. Starting out slow. Just doing at home things and eating clean. I started to see a change. Thank goodness. (I wish I had before pics).

Now with the new year I started to think about things. Yes I wanted to loose this weight. I wanted to feel good about myself again. I wanted to feel attractive again, and I really wanted to look good naked. I came across this blog http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html. That night the baby could not sleep, so neither could I.  I wrapped her up and I sat in the rocking chair just rocking her in her quiet dark room. I was just staring at her. Just thinking of how much I loved her. And how happy I am that she is here. I was thanking God for sending her to me. I then remembered that blog. I started thinking different about my body. What it went through and what it was made to do.  I no longer was upset that I had gained 43lbs. I just knew I wanted to change. But in a good way. I no longer wanted to be skinny. What I mean, is that just because society expects me to be a size 2 and weigh what I did in high school does not mean that that is what is healthy for me and this time.

That night I decided that weight is just a number. I can't focus on what I weigh or how much I want to loose. I had another goal in mind.

I want strong arms, so I can always hold my kids and not get tired.
I want strong legs, so I can run around and play all day.
I want a strong back, so I can give them piggy back rides.
I want a strong core, so I can be strong in every aspect of my life.
I want a strong heart, so I can live to see my kids succeed, fail, love, and so I can do this all again with my grandkids. ( a weird thought for a 25 year old with a baby who is three months old)

I want to be an example of what healthy is. Not what people think it is. Healthy is not skinny and  underfed, it is fit and well fed.

I want to be able to wear a swimming suit, and show off my stretch marks. Why? because I made them. Because it is now a reminder to me that my body is incredible. My body made the one thing that is most important to me. The one thing I would give up anything for. My body was too small, so it made room for the growing person that I made.

She is my inspiration to be a healthier better me.

 

A story about a baby.

Zaydi Justene Swensen.

 This post may be long. But will contain lots of cute pictures of a sweet baby girl.

Ok so I am going to put the story of my pregnancy and birth in this post. Don't worry, it wont be too long.

So many of you know that I had miscarried my first pregnancy back in 2012. The hardest thing I ever went through and am still trying to heal from. My body went through so much as well as my emotions. Because of this it took us 8 months to get pregnant again. Felt like an eternity.  The new year came and I told myself I can not obsess over this anymore and just let it happen when it happens. Well January came and went and I found out I was pregnant in February! I was so happy. I was terrified. To tell you the truth I was so scared. Scared of loosing another baby. I really didnt know how to feel. If I feel to happy and I lost it I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage, but at the same time I felt guilty trying to not get my hopes up. Because of this, it took me along time to bond to my baby. And I was nervous that I would go through the whole pregnancy without really bonding to my baby. It wasn't until my 20 week check up where they tell the gender, and do a whole body scan of the baby to make sure there is not anything wrong that I bonded with her. It was this picture that I saw and instantly I felt an overwhelming feeling of love for this person. I couldn't help but cry.

 Just before this picture they told us the gender. From day 1, the second I found out I was pregnant I knew it was a girl. I just knew. EVERYONE else thought it was a boy. And guess what it was a GIRL. Mom knows best. From this point on I was getting so excited. so anxious to meet our baby girl. My pregnancy was super easy I can't really complain. Morning sickness at the beginning with a few phases of it from time to time, and being tired. I was always sooooo tired. Other than that it everything went great.

Now fast forward to 36 weeks. At 36 weeks I started feeling lots and lots of cramping. Pain that would wake me up at night. I finally went in the labor and delivery to get monitored and thankfully everything was ok. They just told me to take it easy for the next few weeks. So I did. I really didn't do much except wait around for her arrival. At 38 weeks I went in for my appointment. He checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 2 and was 80% effaced. My Dr stripped my membranes (not the best feeling in the world) and sent me home. Nothing happened. So my next appointment at 39 weeks we talked about being induced. I jumped on board. I was done and ready for her to be here. We set the induction date for three days later. Saturday October 5th.

The day before we went in, Chase and I just spent the day together. We cleaned the house, packed up our car and just enjoyed each other, the next day our lives were going to change. I remember laying in bed (not sleeping) looking at Chase (fast asleep) and just crying. I was soo excited for her, but for some reason I was so sad that it was not going to be just us two anymore. It had just been us for the past 4 years and now all of a sudden there was going to be another human in our home.  But I knew that this was going to be amazing and I was ok letting someone else take his attention.

The next morning, with very little sleep, I got up showered, did my hair and makeup and we drove to the hospital. Just quiet, we pulled up parked the car and sat there for a min or so. We looked at each other and said, here we go. Got all checked in around 8 am and it all began. They started the Pitocin. I couldn't really feel anything so every half hour they increased the amount. I still didn't feel much pain. The monitor was telling a different story. Within just a few hours of getting the pitocin I was having contractions every 3 min or so. I couldn't really feel them. I was just happy as can be with ice chips.
The nurses kept asking me when I wanted to get an epidural and I told them I don't need one know but Ill let you know. It wasn't until they broke my water that I started to feel something. My Dr came in around 2 to break my water. We had to wait to break my water because I tested positive for a bacteria that they needed to treat with antibiotics before they baby could come. So it was a little boring in the morning waiting around for two treatments of the antibiotic. Anyways, after they broke my water I could start to feel them. Still it was not that bad. Now having contractions every 2 min or so, the nurse kept saying anytime you want the epidural let me know. I still didn't feel the pain bad enough to get one. About 2 hours past by and I was dilated to a 6. Feeling them a little more now, the nurse told that the anesthesiologist was about to head into a c-section delivery so it was either get an epidural now or wait till he is done. Well I was afraid of pushing without pain management so I decided to get one then. I think getting the epidural was the most pain felt during the entire delivery process!!! I hated it. Weirdest feeling else.
Once that was in it was just sitting around waiting for our little girl to decide that she was going to come out. Finally around 8 pm or so I started feeling something. Not sure what it was I kept pushing my button to get more medicine going through. The nurse told me that it was probably not contractions that I was feeling but my baby starting to make her way down the birth canal. They checked my cervix and guess what I was at a 10! hurray! They told me that they were going to make me wait another half hour or so before I could start to push. This way my body will keep pushing her slowly down and hopefully I wouldn't have to push for a long time. At that time I was not happy, I was so uncomfortable, very very hungry, and getting a little irritable.  Finally about 45 later they told me it was time. My family left the room and the fun began. I had to push for about an hour and a half! It was soo hard. I was so tired and I was getting the worst headache. Chase was so amazing during this process. When I felt like I couldn't push one more time, he would help me find the strength to do so. Finally she was out. And crying. I mean screaming! She was not happy to be out. They placed her on my chest and I just fell in love. It was incredible. They then took her and got her stats. Weighing in at 6lbs 13 oz. 19.5 in long. She was perfect. The whole experience was amazing.

It was a hard adjustment at first. But having her is the best thing in the world. Its crazy how much love you can have for someone that is only minutes old. That love continues to grow more every single day. Being a mom is the best thing and the hardest thing I have ever done. I would not trade it for anything. Her dad loves her so much. I just know they will be best of friends. There is nothing better than watching a dad care for his baby.

 She is now over a month old. Its crazy how much they grow and learn so fast.
Here are some facts about Zaydi.

*She LOVES her binky!
*Swaddling is a must at night, but she is a little Houdini and some how manages to get out of the tightest swaddle.
*She loves to cuddle. Which is great but it makes it hard to get things done because sometimes she won't let you put her down.

*She is now sleeping 4-5 hours at a time at night. Unless her tummy hurts, then she wakes up more often.
*She giggles all the time in her sleep.
*She LOVES bath time. But so does our dog Tilly. So it makes it difficult at times.
*She loves watching tv, especially with her dad.
*She is very very loved.

My Grandpa

Its been a long time since I have updated my blog. This year has been a very busy one and I do hope to get on here and update. But this blog update is about my Grandpa. Yesterday morning August 1st, 2013 at 8:55 am he returned home to our Heavenly Father. It was just a sad, peaceful thing. He had been sick for quite a while but he fought on for a long long time. His last few months were devastating seeing him so ill. As hard as it is to lose someone, I know he is in a much better place where he is healthy and happy.

I have so many memories of this man. To me he was someone who I looked up to. He was an amazing man with such cool stories. He served in the US military. (I cant remember what branch). I honor him for that. He was a welder by trade. He worked on many of the buildings downtown in Salt Lake City.  He loved creating things. He had a woodshop at his home where most of the time he would be out making all sorts of things. He would ALWAYS let me help him and would let me make my own things as well. He LOVED to cook. More then not, the food network channel would be turned up to the highest volume and he would be in the kitchen making something. He loved trying new recipes. Some were a little strange and I would not try but most of them I loved finding out what he was creating. He made up dozens and dozens of his own recipes with my Grandma who also shared a love for cooking. He made the most AMAZING  hamhock bean soup! He knew it was my favorite and would always make extra every time, freeze it and save it for me until I visited next. His pantry and freezer was always full of canned foods and meals that they would create and save.

He taught me so many things throughout my life. I think the one that holds on best as a hobby is gardening. He always had a garden. Full of many yummy things. I loved going over to his house to help him prep the garden and get ready to plant all the things. I then loved to tend the garden. Every time I visited my job was to always check for weeds growing and pull them. (Now I know it was because he did not want to go out and pull all the weeds, but I was just so happy to be his helper I did it everytime) As I got older, he would come over to my parents house and help me plant my own garden. To this day I try to have a garden each year, since I moved into a new home I was unable to get one started this year, but I have decided to dedicate my garden next year to him. He taught me how to fish. Something we did not get to do vey often but it was always so fun to join him. Something now I enjoy very much as an adult.

He taught me the real meaning of unconditional love. Something I think people only think they knew what it means. He loved his family more than anything, especially his grandkids. We are his pride and joy. He loved us so much. Just knowing how much he loved me and all my cousins makes my heart so heavy. He did everything for us. Supported all of us with anything that we needed or wanted. Any mistakes we made, he looked passed and continued to love us the same. I always say I was his favorite grandchild, but all of my cousins would probably say that as well. He had a way of making you feel so special. He LOVED my grandma. He met my grandma in a time in her life where she was trying so hard to make in on her own. My grandma had two little girls from a previous marriage when they met. My grandpa took my grandma and her kids as his own. He loved them so much and because of that created our family that is today. The love my grandpa had for my grandma seemed unreal. My grandma is a nonstop going kind of gal and my grandpa would just smile and let her do her thing. He was so selfless and kind. I looked up to their marriage and knew I wanted one that looked like that.

He had one the strongest testimonies of the church. My grandpa was a convert to the LDS faith. He joined the church when my mom was young. He always told me to hang on to my faith. My grandpa loved learning about church history and all that comes with it. He was very knowledgeable and has just about every book written about the church. You could always find him reading something, most of the time it was a church history book.

I will miss him so much. I already do. I feel so honored that I was chosen to be his grandchild. He taught me so many things and I am so grateful for that. I cherish all my memories I have of him. I feel so sad that my kids will not know him here on earth. But I have no doubt that he is in heaven with Zaydi and nuthead and future kids teaching them so many things about coming to earth. I am lucky to have him now watching over me and my family from above. I know I have many angels watching over me and now to have him is an overwhelming feeling of peace. He will never leave this families side and he will smile as we do good, feel sad when we make wrong choices but will always continue to be with us at all times. 

I love you grandpa. Until we meet again.